i learned to sit with spiders

i used to be so afraid of spiders. one time one bit me and i had a bite swell up the size of my forearm and i went to the doctor and he said if i came in a few days later it could’ve poisoned and killed me. spiders scared me for a while after that.

even daddy long legs. i know the first fun fact that comes to mind is they’re one of the most poisonous spiders but they don’t have fangs big enough to pierce our flesh.

over the last few months i’ve been forcing myself to get comfortable with things that make me uncomfortable. i fell into stagnancy. feeling stagnant and feeling comfortable don’t always go hand in hand. but when your previous life was fueled via epinephrine, caffeine, and shame, well i guess comfort feels uncomfortable. and so, i learned comfort and safety. and then i clung onto it for dear life. to the point where i was living nearly every day in fear of losing the things i care about due to having already lost a lot. and that created a translucent bubble around me and how i tried to navigate my life. i’ve learned i know how to be alone and i can live like that, but i don’t want to. i don’t think. i don’t know.

but back to the spiders. i’ve tried to relearn discomfort in controlled settings. trying to relearn that discomfort doesn’t equal pain. it doesn’t equal loss. it doesn’t result in someone yelling at me and calling me obscenities because i spoke up for myself. and i think a place where i tried to teach myself where to start with those was sitting with spiders.

i took a shower tonight and a wolf spider was on the wall. my immediate reaction was oh shit i need to get out i’m gonna scream i need help. but i realized there was nobody there to help me tonight. so then i decided whatever. we’re gonna be friends. he’s just living his life and im gonna live mine. and i survived.

i think it’s growth. maybe it’s acceptance. maybe it’s both.

learn to sit with your spiders. they might teach you something.