on songs i wish i wrote but i’m glad i didn’t

it’s called be careful what you wish for because what you wish for will have you working in maui during your sibling’s wedding week.

but is it weird that i’m totally okay with that and i wouldn’t have it any other way? i think it’s inevitable that this line of work demands a lot of my time in unconventional hours. i’ve worked to get to this point since i was 16. or we can call it 6 if we go as far back as the first time i started playing an instrument.

i’ve been doing a lot of healing lately. the doses and the meds i’m on have changed so naturally my body is responding in different ways. i don’t drink as much as i used to to cope with life and dull the sensory. that’s not a bad thing.

but with that being said that means repressed memories are coming up. and i think for one of the first times in my life i’m actually physically feeling my emotions instead of like writing them all out and processing them via song. i mean i’m still doing that - it’s just now i’m finally letting my body feel everything. and relearning how to feel and physically be present in your body ain’t for the weak. yanno those couple decades prior where you just sucked it up and kept it moving? the times where something unexpectedly felt like a pang in your chest and your eyes start welling up with tears before you have a chance to process why? but you know it’s not safe to let it out for one reason or another, even if that reason is your brain subconsciously feeling like seven year old you who is being told i’ll give you something to cry about/etc/etc and she’s finally free to cry.

i feel like my internal plumbing system has been backed up for decades and we’ve been using shitty draino and combinations of vinegar and baking soda to stay afloat. but now we’ve finally snaked the emotional drain. and that means shit coming through and out my emotional pipes that i otherwise let destroy myself internally. i’m not used to the water pressure, nor the temperature. and learning and relearning how to manage when you’re not exactly a plumber aint the easiest.

with that being said, there are are so many different albums and songs that i used to love that i’ve avoided for years for one way or another. i’ve noticed i use music to cope with life a lot. but when an album hits and it helps me through a lot of shit, it seems like it’s almost inevitable that it will get to a point where i can’t stand to listen to it anymore because it takes me back to the time and place i was in when i was using it to disassociate and simultaneously heal.

there was a time in my life where i was OBSESSED with seahaven and their entire discography. i loved their songwriting choices, i loved everything going on. i loved kyle’s voice. and i still do. and i’d share the lyrics all the time on my then blog, knowing i related to them, but i wouldn’t let myself completely digest how they made me feel. because that can of worms is more like the party can of streamers that pop out as a prank. and when you’re growing up in an environment where cans of streamers are a threat to your existence, well, maybe now’s not the time to party.

but recently i felt called to revisit their discography. and a lot of kyle’s early lyrical content is regarding being abandoned by a parent, how it makes you feel as the one who has been abandoned, and how it shows up in your interpersonal relationships. and listening to it now in retrospect it breaks my heart because god DAMN his lyrics cut DEEP.

i’m just grateful i’m in a place where i can visit these songs again and actually digest them without the secondhand stomachache. because kyle did a lot for me when i was developing as a songwriter and a musician whether he’s aware of it or not.

there was one time my freshman year of college where i was gonna go see seahaven in columbus that night. and i was originally planning on going alone. i wore my seahaven merch to class that day because i was so excited, and as it just so happened the RA/concierge of my dorm saw my sweatshirt and was hyped and commented on it. he and i would always chat in passing because i always had some kind of band merch on and we had the same taste in music.

i had mentioned i was going to go see them in columbus that night (i went to school in cincy) and i extended the offer cause driving alone isn’t always ideal esp as a young woman. he actually took me up on it and i was stoked and we went to see them.

it was at this cool weird skatepark hybrid venue in columbus in some run down industrial park. vibes were weird, but the show was phenomenal. after their set, of course, i went and nerded out to kyle about his songwriting and he got stoked and we just talked about music and songwriting for twenty minutes. we yapped so much i kind of let him know hey i transposed goodnight to piano and it sounds great. there happened to be a piano on that stage. so he’s like play it for me i wanna hear it. and i was so embarrassed and i said absolutely not i will not be doing that. one, because of my low confidence in my ability at the time. and two, the night was about his band and their music. not me. and i didn’t want to make it about me. so we exchanged pleasantries, and my new friend from my dorm and i were the last fans in the venue and we started to head out.

as we were walking out, i was talking to him, and i was already expressing regret about the fact that i wished that i had the guts to play a song i loved in front of the person that wrote it. jack (my new friend) had asked me, “do you really mean that?“ And i was like duh and he grabbed my arm, turned me around and threw my arm up in the air and yelled, “she changed her mind. she’s gonna play it for you“ and i yelled, “wait, WHAT?”

and as i was turning around, i saw kyle clear off the bench, set up the piano and literally prepare it for me to play. jack literally pushed me by my back up towards the stage because i was fighting it still. but there was no turning back at this point. It was either I play in front of this songwriter i truly respected (and I’ve later come to realize has heavily influenced my songwriting as an artist) and I bomb. or maybe, just maybe I nail it.

so I got up there and I played and I remember just fluidly playing and having one of the best times of my life. Because there are a few things I hold more dear to my heart than music and sharing music with people. and being able to share my own interpretation of a song I loved with the songwriter who wrote it? 10 out of 10.

and when I was finished, I turned around on the bench. And kyle was completely engrossed in what was going on. He had stopped packing his gear up entirely and when I turned around, he was sitting cross legged on the floor of the stage and just giving me applause. and he told me my interpretation of his own song was better than he wrote it. and i think i wanted to cry but i was moreso in shock. and not in the star stuck this person is above me way. but in the “this person has put a feeling into words that i have endured that nobody else around me seems to understand and I couldn’t describe it for the life of me. and an experience that was unthinkable for me to speak about, nonetheless translate it into words. and it made me feel seen and understood by others, and so seen and heard in ways I never have” but he uno reversed it onto me. and at the time i had only written two of my own songs that i didn’t dare to share with anyone at the time.

and that changed my life as a songwriter.

for him that might have been another stop on tour. for me that was a building block to me becoming Molly the Songwriter.

so i guess with my debut LP coming out soon all i have to say at the end of this story is: thank you kyle soto for your art.

also if you’re reading this: thank you for your art. you’ve probably changed someone’s life in a way you don’t understand. keep creating.

xoxoxo